Roles Vegeta Shouldn't Play
by Kikyo Sparrow
Summary: A very random humor story following Vegeta's adventures throughout many popular films after he is fired from DBZ. PLEASE READ AND REVIEW!
1. Chapter 1

Okay, I've been writing sad fanfics for a while and so I've decided to do something happier. I'm not sure if you can write in script format for a fanfic but I really wanted to write this anyway because I thought it would be a funny idea.

Chapter One: Vegeta Gets Fired

It had been a very long day on the set of DragonballZ, everyone was sweaty and tired and Vegeta was behaving badly as usual.

Director: No Vegeta, we can't have an episode devoted entirely to you bashing Goku.

Vegeta: But I have written the script as well. (Hands director script.)

Director: Vegeta, all this is is just you saying: die kakkarot! And beating him with several different weapons. I don't think that this is going to work out at all.

Vegeta: What do you mean? I am a brilliant actor and script writer am I not?

Director: Er..Well… Of course you are Vegeta! But maybe all we-I mean you need is a break, you should expand your horizons and try out for some different roles.

Vegeta: You're firing me aren't you?

Director: Um…Maybe.

(Vegeta goes to his dressing room)

Vegeta: (Sob)… I can't believe this (Sob) It's not fair! I am a far better actor than Kakkarot is! I'll prove it! Oh no I just smeared my mascara! They will all pay for this! And they will all curse the day that they fired I, Vegeta! The strongest saiyan in the universe!

ACT ONE: Vegeta as Frollo (Hunchback of Notre Dame, Disney version)

Director: Okay Vegeta, now all you have to do is chase the gypsy woman on the horse, the stunt coordinator will be here to help you. But wait until after Clopin finishes his song.

Vegeta: Whatever, when do I get to destroy the hunchback?

Director: Vegeta, this is a family film. You don't get to destroy the hunchback.

Vegeta: Do I critically injure the hunchback?

Director: No, you don't. Now Begin Filming!

(Scene at the beginning where the gypsy mother is in the rowboat)

Clopin: But there was a trap for the gypsies and-

Vegeta: Die weaklings! (Blasts the boat)

Director: Cut! Cut! Vegeta, what do you think you're doing?

Vegeta: I am the villain, it is my role to destroy the freaks of nature and the sissy hero.

Director: Okay, while we find some new actors to replace the ones you destroyed, we can move on to the scene where Frollo and Quasimodo are eating lunch.

(Scene where Frollo and Quasimodo are eating lunch)

Vegeta: Wait a minute! Why would someone as evil and all-powerful as Frollo even sit at the same table as a freak of nature like him?

Director: Sigh, Because Frollo rescued Quasimodo as a baby so that he could-

Vegeta: So that he could torture him and later kill him violently?

Director: Well… Sort of, but the priest at the beginning of the story convinced Frollo to spare the hunchback's life so that he could-

Vegeta: Why would the magnificent and powerful Frollo listen to a girly priest? And why would Frollo wear this gay hat! It's smushing my beautiful hair and I am wasting hundreds on John Frieda hair gel!

Director: Okay, do the scene and I will explain everything later. And…Action!

Vegeta: Were you just talking to those statues you ugly piece of crap?

Quasimodo: No master, statues can't talk. Just like you said.

Vegeta: Well no duh they can't talk fool. You were lucky that I the wise and powerful Frollo was here to get that through your stupid head.

Director: Vegeta! Time for your song!

Vegeta: Oh yeah, (Sings off key) The world is cruel, the world is wicked, and nobody is going to care about a freak like you! I am your only friend. Wait! Stop! What the heck is this? That hideous thing is not my friend! Why would a handsome and dashing man like Frollo even dare to be seen with him! He's almost as bad as those Namekians!

Director: We know that Vegeta just go to the next verse please!

Vegeta: Okay (Off-key again) And you are ugly (Grins) and you should be grateful! I now am enjoying this song! We shall add more verses to it!

Director: Not now Vegeta. We're going to do the part of the movie that you are talking to Phoebus and you tell him about how you will destroy the gypsies. And…Go!

(Phoebus walks on stage, Vegeta glares at him.)

Vegeta: You shall obey my every command or be destroyed.

Phoebus: Um… Director!

Director: Just keep rolling!

Vegeta: Okay, my plan is to destroy the gypsies (Lifts up the stone, there are bugs underneath) OH MY GOD! BUGS! BUGS! THERE'S ONE ON ME! KILL IT! KILL IT! AHHHHHHHHHH!

(Phoebus sprays Vegeta with fire extinguiser)

Vegeta: (Punches Phoebus) Why did you do that fool? You ruined the scene!

Phoebus: But-the bugs-you said-

Vegeta: I was….Uh…..acting! And you ruined the scene! Good job blondie!

Director: It's done Vegeta, we're going on to the scene where you trap the gypsy girl Esmeralda in the Cathedral. And… Action!

Vegeta: (Grabs Esmeralda) You are not leaving here gypsy scum! For I am here to destroy freaks of nature like-

Director: No! No! No! Frollo is in love with Esmeralda! He wants to have her not destroy her!

Vegeta: But someone as hot and sexy as Frollo should have no problem getting hot babes.

Director: But Frollo is the old and ugly minister of justice, Vegeta.

Vegeta: What did you just say?

Director: Nothing! Nothing! Let's get to a fighting scene okay I know you'll like a fighting scene! We're going to do the scene where you shoot the warrior Phoebus and he falls into the lake, and action!

Phoebus: You will never win Frollo! (Begins to ride away on horse, gets blasted away by Vegeta.)

Vegeta: You shall never escape the wrath of the awesome Frollo!

Director: That does it. Why did you do that?

Vegeta: I don't think that an awesome warrior like Frollo would allow such a weak pretty boy to live. The script you wrote was out of character. But at least I got to burn down some buildings.

Director: Okay, time for the final scene.

Vegeta: (Hanging on the pillar, pillar cracks and falls but Vegeta stays in the air)

Director: No Vegeta! This is Frollo's death scene! You're supposed to pretend to die but really fall on the stunt trampoline!

Vegeta: Wait a minute- you mean Frollo is killed by those weaklings?

Director: No, the fall kills him.

Vegeta: Bah! Screw this! (Flys away, movie crew cheers, only to be blasted away by Vegeta)

Vegeta: The next movie I do will be a far more superior and better film…I wonder what it will be.


	2. Chapter 2

Roles Vegeta Shouldn't Play

Chapter Two: Vegeta as The Conductor (Polar Exspress)

Director: Okay Vegeta, I've heard some bad things about you in the past like how you destroyed planets, killed hundreds of innocents, and planned on getting rid of Earth, but I'm willing to put all that behind us because I'm going to make a sappy Christmas movie and I think that you'd be perfect as the conductor of the Polar Exspress!

Vegeta: Do I get to kill anything?

Director: No, but you get to scare little kids! You're actually going to have three roles, The Conductor, Santa, and a crazy hobo that rides on the roof!

Vegeta: I'm in.

Director: Okay Vegeta, in this scene the hero boy is waiting outside the Polar Express, the Conductor leans out and encourages him to board the train. And…….Go!

Vegeta: Hey kid, get on this train right now or I'll blast you to the next dimension.

Director: That's….close, maybe that scene is too difficult we should probably start with something easier like… The part of the film where the little girl loses her ticket, and you send her to the back of the train. Action!

Vegeta: You stupid little fool! You lost your ticket? Well now you must suffer! (Vegeta picks up little girl and smashes her through several of the cars until she's at the back of the train.)

Vegeta: You mean like that?

Director: Uh, Okay. Now let's move on to the very long and overplayed scene where the kids are talking about their hopes and dreams when they get to the North Pole, Roll Camera!

Kid: I hope that there's lots of happiness and pretty things at the North Pole!

Vegeta: You little wuss! How dare you call yourself a man? Pretty things? What in God's name is the matter with you?

Kid: (Starts crying, Vegeta throws him out the wondow.)

Little Girl: I hope that we get to see Santa when we get there!

Vegeta: Santa doesn't exist you little twit. As a matter of fact, you're probably not going to survive the trip there. And since I am playing Santa in this movie I will make sure to destroy you!

Director: Vegeta, maybe you should be nicer to the kids, we might get sued.

Vegeta: Who cares about the kids? When do I get to be the crazy hobo?

Assistant director: I told you we should have hired Tom Hanks.

Director: Are you kidding me? He would have been awful in this movie! Anyway, we probably could move on to the scenes with the hobo.

Vegeta: Does the hobo get any weapons?

Director: No, but he does get to play with really creepy puppets!

Vegeta: (Shrugs) Okay.

Director: Okay now then, this is the part of the movie where the Little Boy goes on the top of the train and the hobo greets him and offers him a drink and a seat by the fire. Action!

(Little Boy enters, Vegeta glares)

Little Boy: Hello sir, who are you?

Vegeta: Your worst nightmare… When do I get to scare them with the puppets?

Director: In a little bit, please keep going!

Vegeta: Would you like something to drink little brat?

Little Boy: Oh thank you sir!

Vegeta: Well, you can't.

Little Boy: Mr. Director, I can't work like this!

Vegeta: Shut up before I tear out your spinal column and beat you with it.

Director: Vegeta! That's enough! Let's just skip to the part where you use your skis to get the boy back to the main part of the train. Go!

(Vegeta is skiing across the top of the train with the boy, Vegeta kicks the little boy off and we hear a scream and a thudding sound.)

Director: Vegeta! It's not very nice to kick someone off of a moving train!

Vegeta: Puppets. Now.

Director: Oh, right. Well anyway, in this scene the boy gets lost on the train and he finds a room filled with scary-looking puppets, he then hears the hobo's voice telling him that he's a Scrooge, Action!

Vegeta: (Waves puppets around little boy) And now I am going to destroy you with my Ultra-powerful Puppet attack! (Vegeta makes the puppets attack the boy and he then destroys him.)

Director: Vegeta, didn't you hear a word I said?

Vegeta: Your version of this story is far too sissy-like. I prefer my version.

Director: That will be a wrap for the train. Now we're going to move on to the end of the movie when you are Santa and you find out that the children have been sneaking through the bag of presents.

Vegeta: No more hobo?

Director: Definitely no more hobo. And….Action!

Kids: We're very sorry Santa, but Billy has never gotten a real present before and-

Vegeta: Well isn't that too bad? I shall put Billy out of his misery! (Vegeta destroys Billy.)

Director: Vegeta, I don't think that this is working out very well. Maybe you should work on a more mature, action film.

Vegeta: I know what you mean, I'm through doing sissy movies like this. I'm going to find a much better movie to do.

What will Vegeta star in next? Find out in the next installment!


	3. Chapter 3

Roles Vegeta Shouldn't Play

Chapter Three: Vegeta as William (POTC: Curse of the Black Pearl)

It had been a very bad day for Vegeta. He had just been fired from yet another movie. I mean, how was he supposed to know that he didn't have to destroy that stupid animated orange cat? Vegeta was even beginning to wonder if maybe, just maybe, Kakkarot was a better actor. Vegeta had left his home to sulk on a park bench when he ran into an old friend. It was Kakkarot!

Vegeta: Kakkarot, get out of my way. Your hideous being is interrupting my alone time.

Goku: I missed you a lot too Vegeta. I know that everybody on the set wishes that you would come back, even if they do say things like 'I'm sure glad that Vegeta is gone' or 'Did you hear that that stupid hot-head got fired from another movie?' But I can tell that in their hearts they really wish that you would come back.

Vegeta: Why are you here, you idiotic oaf?

Goku: Hahaha! You're a real riot Vegeta! I was just going to audition for a new movie in that studio located conveniently behind you.

Vegeta: (Brightens) What movie would that be Kakkarot?

Goku: I don't know, somebody told me that it had something to do with pirates and it sounded like fun and so that's where I'm headed. Do you want to come along?

Vegeta: Yes…Yes, I shall come along Kakkarot. And while I'm there I will prove to everyone that I am the most powerful actor in the entire universe! I will take the role that you want and once I have defeated you at that, I will begin my quest to vanquish you!

Goku: (Cheerily) That sounds like lots of fun, let's go!

(After the auditions are over)

Goku: Come on Vegeta! Let's go have a look at the cast list!

Vegeta: Why are you so happy Kakkarot? Aren't you depressed knowing that I have defeated you in yet another category of things I can defeat you in?

Goku: Haha! What's a category?

Vegeta: (Ignores Goku, looks at list) What is this? Who the heck is William? I tried out for Jack Sparrow!

Goku: Hey! Look at that Vegeta! I'm some guy named Jack Sparrow, isn't that strange? I tried out for some guy named Elizabeth! But don't feel too bad buddy, it says here that you get to wear tights!

Vegeta:(Cringes) Idiot. It doesn't matter what role I am, either way I shall prove to you and to everyone else that I am the superior when it comes to acting!

(The next day, first day of filming)

Director: Okay crew, today we are going to be filming the first cool fight scene of the movie, this is the scene where William and Jack meet for the very first time! Places please and….Action!

Goku: I think that you need to find yourself a girl mate.

Vegeta: I have a girl, and she is far more attractive than that harpy of a wife you have!

Goku: Or maybe the reason you practice three hours a day, is that you've found one. But are incapable of wooing the latter.

Vegeta: I practice three hours a day, so that when I fight a weakling like you… I can kill him! (Turns SSJ)

Goku: Um…Vegeta, I don't think that that was in the script…

Vegeta: (Punches Goku as hard as he can, it has no effect on him)

Goku: Hahaha! You're so funny Vegeta! (Flicks Vegeta with his pinky, sending him flying through the set.)

Director: Goku! Why would you want to hurt your fellow actors? I've got my eye on you, but if Vegeta's still alive I guess that we could move on. Let's go to the part where William frees Jack from his prison cell. Roll Camera!

Goku: I'm so hungry, I haven't eaten in over five minutes. I need a break.

Director: Okay, a ten-minute-break then.

(Ten minutes later)

Director: Okay now that everybody is ready we can continue filming. Action!

Goku: William, I'm sure that must be a family name.

Vegeta: It is not my name, for I am Vegeta. Son of the king of the great planet Vegeta, the ultimate strength in-

Goku: Okay, okay, (Clears throat) I don't suppose that you would know how to get me out of here so that we could retrieve your bonny lass, would you?

Vegeta: You will rot in that cell Kakkarot, I have no need for my woman because I am the sexiest man in the universe, sexier than you of course, and I would have no problem getting hundreds of women while you could only get that hideous woman, Chichi, who is bent on making your son a gay sissy who does nothing but read romance novels.

Goku: Vegeta, that's not very nice. Gohan is just… Unique that's all. And he only wet his bed twice this week, so I say that he's become quite a man.

Director: Vegeta, you're supposed to break the door down with that pole over there.

Vegeta: See Kakkarot? My character is far stronger than yours; Jack Sparrow can't even destroy a door! For shame. (Blasts door away)

Director:…..That works too, but let's do the part where Jack and Will have set sail for Tortuga and Jack is telling Will about who his real father is….Rolling!

Goku: Have you ever heard of a pirate called Bootstrap Bill?

Vegeta: Feh, why would I want to know about such a stupid thing? It must be stupid if you're going to tell me about it Kakkarot.

Goku: You must face it William, your father was a pirate.

Vegeta: How dare you! My father was the great and powerful king of the saiyans!

Goku: Now William, you can face the fact that your father was a pirate and a good man, or you could- (Vegeta blast Goku in the face)

Director: I can't believe you would say such a hurtful thing to Vegeta, Goku! It's no wonder he blasted you! You shouldn't insult a man's father like that.

Goku: But in the script it said that I was supposed to-

Director: I don't want to hear any excuses! If you can't behave yourself, Goku, then you will be leaving this film! We're going to go on to the part in the cave where William knocks Jack out in an attempt to save Elizabeth. Action!

Vegeta: (Has shovel in hand and comes towards Goku)

Goku: (Nervously) I don't think that this is such a good idea, director! (Eyes shovel, Vegeta has a wicked grin on his face.)

Director and Vegeta: Oh quit being such a wuss!

(Vegeta swings shovel as hard as he can and Goku screams like a little girl)

Goku: Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ooouuuccchhh!

Director: William is supposed to knock Jack unconscious, I guess that you'll have to try again Vegeta.

Vegeta: My pleasure. (Chuckles evily)

(An hour and 2,000 shovel swings later)

Director: I can't believe that he's still conscious, maybe we should move on to the next scene?

Vegeta: Curse you and your thick, stupid, skull Kakkarot!

Goku: (Dazed) Of course I'd like a milkshake! My aunt won't answer her phone!

Director: I guess that we'd better wrap this up for the day, let's just get to the last part where William saves Jack from being hanged. Go!

Vegeta: (Prepares to save Jack/Goku and pauses) On second thought Kakkarot, this is the perfect way to destroy you! I think that I have now proven that I, Vegeta, am the superior actor!

Goku: What does superior mean?

Vegeta: Now that I have proven that I am the superior actor, I suppose that it is time for you to face your end. (Gives Goku a knee kick to the face, Goku flies up and puches him offset.)

Director: That does it! I am sick of your violent behavior Goku! You're fired, why can't you just be kind to your fellow actors. You need anger management pal.

Goku: But he-

Director: No more excuses, you can go now, Goku!

Vegeta: I'm done here, I hate this role, and these tights keep riding up my crack!

Director: You were a wonderful actor Vegeta! And you are welcome to come back for the next Pirates of the Caribbean movie! I still have a strange sensation that I should have cast Orlando Bloom and Johnny Depp for some reason…. But I suppose that the movie turned out much better this way!

(Goku and Vegeta leave the movie set together)

Goku: That was really fun wasn't it Vegeta?

Vegeta: After this experience, now that I have proved that I am the better actor, I wonder if I even have a reason to act anymore… I think that this may be the end of my career.

Goku: I'm starving! Let's get something to eat okay?

Is this truly the end of Vegeta's acting career? Find out in the next chapter!


	4. Chapter 4

Roles Vegeta Shouldn't Play

Chapter Four: Vegeta as Regina (Mean Girls)

Vegeta was sitting in his armchair watching the nighttime news. It had been nearly a month since he had finished acting in his last movie and Vegeta had decided that he would rather be a couch potato than an actor. Besides, there weren't enough violent movie roles to play anymore. But that night, as Vegeta sat there feeling sorry for himself, the actor within was reborn.

News Reporter: And now we are here live with teen slu- I mean teen pop and acting sensation Lindsay Lohan, tonight we are going to find out exactly what film Lindsay will be doing next. (holds microphone to Lindsay)

Lindsay: Well, after I finish another week of deadbeat partying I'm going to be trying out for this movie called Mean Girls. Apparently Hilary Duff is also going for the role but I think that we all know that I am the better actress anyway.

Vegeta: (Turns off his Hilary Duff CD) You couldn't act your way out of a tin can! Besides, I am the greatest actor when it comes to acting!

News Reporter: Speaking of actors that are worse than you Lindsay, what do you think of the former DragonBallZ star Vegeta?

Lindsay: I'm glad that we both use the same brand of hair gel but he couldn't act his way out of a tin can.

Vegeta: (Chokes on a potato chip, he then begins pounding his head against the wall until he spits its remains at the television, the force of impact causing the TV to explode.) We'll just see who can act their way out of a tin can the best! I shall defeat you, Lindsay Lohan by proving that I am the better of the two of us! And after I have accomplished that I shall conquer Hollywood! (Flies to the studio casting Mean Girls)

Casting Agent: Okay then Vegeta, since this movie is about Mean GIRLS I wonder if maybe you shouldn't be here right now?

Vegeta: I have tried drag before. And I look good in it.

Casting Agent: Okay then, let me see your meanest expression!

Vegeta: (Doesn't do anything.)

Casting Agent: That's wonderful Vegeta! I can almost feel the meanness flowing from you like a fountain! All right, let's move on now, how about you greet me in the meanest way you can.

Vegeta: Hi.

Casting Agent: That is so mean! We'll definitely have to put you in our movie! I think that we'll have to cast you as Regina, the leader of the Plastics, the Plastics are the Mean Girls by the way for all of the readers out there who don't know who they are, so come back tomorrow and we will begin filming!

Vegeta: Yes, the time is drawing nearer that I shall destroy you Lindsay Lohan!

Lindsay: Do you mind? I'm right behind you!

Vegeta: I am sooo sorry. And by the way Lindsay, those shoes make your calves look big! (Walks away.)

(The Next Day)

Director: Okay crew is everybody ready to start filming?

(Vegeta walks out of his dressing room wearing a blonde wig, makeup, and high heel shoes, just his everyday wardrobe.)

Lindsay: Are you sure that you won't destroy the cast and crew like you did on every other low class movie you've been in Vegeta?

Vegeta: Nobody except maybe for you. And by the way Lindsay, the eyeliner on your left eye is smeared.

Lindsay: My makeup isn't as bad as your nail polish.

Vegeta: It goes with my spandex, unlike your-

Director: That's enough you two! Now let's begin filming, we'll start with the part of the movie that Regina is showing Cady her house, now action!

Lindsay: Wow Regina! Your home is so big and beautiful!

Vegeta: Yes it is actually, and it is far better than any home you could afford with your pansy acting talents.

Lindsay: Hey Regina, what was that slam book you were telling me about?

Vegeta: (Opens Slam book prop) It holds the descriptions of those I hate and what I hate about them. See, there's Kakkarot, because he's stronger than me. Piccolo, because I am a racist. Krillen, because he is bald. Gohan, because he can read. Chichi, because she is part of the reason that Gohan is alive. Yamcha because-

Director: Vegeta! That isn't the right slam book! That one is different, where did you get it?

Vegeta: I brought my slam book from home because I had no idea who the mortal weaklings were in the other slam book.

Director: Why would you need a slam book Vegeta?

Vegeta: My doctor told me to keep a journal and to write down the events of my life in it, but it eventually led to this.

Director:…. Okay, let's just go to the scene where the girls head to a party only for Regina to take Cady's crush, Aaron. Action!

(Aaron leans in to kiss Regina/Vegeta when he gets blasted into oblivion)

Vegeta: This foolishness is wasting my time, when do we get to do some catfights?

Director: Vegeta, you just destroyed one of our actors!

Vegeta: And?

Director: You're right, let's just go on to the part where Regina confronts Cady after the really boring part of the movie where Cady gets her revenge. Roll camera!

Vegeta: You know what everybody really thinks about you Lind-I mean Cady? Everybody says that you're a horrible actress who is inferior to Hilary Duff, and also to the greatest actor alive, Vegeta and- (Vegeta gets hit by a school bus, the hit has no effect on him)

Vegeta: WHAT WAS THAT?

Director: No, no, no, you're supposed to be injured by the bus, that's why Regina is injured for the rest of the movie!

Vegeta: I am through with this pansy movie! The only reason I signed on for this movie was so that I could defeat Lindsay Lohan! And also to relive my cross dressing days!

Lindsay: You honestly think that you could beat me at anything Vegeta? Well go ahead. Try to destroy me, it's not going to work thanks to my ultimate power.

Vegeta: (Blasts Lindsay Lohan, the smoke from the blast clears and we see that Lindsay is completely unharmed.)

Vegeta: What?

Lindsay: You cannot defeat me Vegeta, I am invincible!

Sailor Mercury: The reason that you can't defeat Lindsay Lohan is simple, she has drunken so much alcohol that she has somehow gained supernatural abilities, although people think that when Lindsay parties she is doing it because she is a bum that is not the only reason! Lindsay has found that the only way to increase these abilities is to party for days on end!

Director: Where did you come from?

Sailor Mercury: Wrong set, but I'm glad I could help.

Vegeta: So that is why I cannot defeat you? Well if you are so good at drinking and partying Lindsay Lohan, then I shall defeat you by means of a chugging contest!

Lindsay: I accept your challenge Vegeta, although your efforts are futile.

(Lindsay and Vegeta put on their beer hats and prepare for battle)

Director: Ready….Set…..Go!

(Vegeta and Lindsay begin chugging their beers)

Director and Sailor Mercury: Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug!

(An hour later, Lindsay and Vegeta are still going strong)

Vegeta's thoughts: Heh, so far so good, little does this weakling know that I was the most feared beer chugger of Frieza's army!

Lindsay's thoughts: So that idiot thinks that he can defeat me? I haven't even reached my maximum power!

(A week later)

Vegeta's thoughts: Okay, now I'm getting bored with this, just how long can that little human keep going on?

Lindsay's thoughts: Your time is almost up Vegeta, I can sense your power level weakening!

(A month later)

Vegeta's thoughts: Can't….Chug….Much….longer….

Lindsay's thoughts: I don't understand how he could have lasted this long! My chugging power is wearing down!

(The next day)

Vegeta's thoughts: I barely have any strength left but I must not lose!

Lindsay's thoughts: I'm nearly zapped of all my energy…Could it be possible that Vegeta has reached the next level…Could he be the legendary… Super Chugger?

Vegeta's thoughts: I have to do this for the fate of Hollywood! I will not let this weakling defeat-

Lindsay: I guess that you have defeated me Vegeta, you truly are the greater actor… I can't believe that I lost to someone like…You…(Lindsay melts into a puddle of beer)

Vegeta: That's it, I now know my purpose in Hollywood! To destroy all of the actors who threaten to ruin its existence! I shall regain my place in the Hall of Fame!

Now that Vegeta is back in the business which actor will seek his destruction? Find out in the next chapter!


	5. Chapter 5

Roles Vegeta Shouldn't Play

Chapter Five: Vegeta as Mort Rainey (Secret Window)

Notes: This will be the last chapter I'm writing for a while because I'm going on a trip for only a few days, so the next chapter will probably show up on Sunday or Monday. I don't think that this chapter will be able to top the chugging contest from chapter four because the weirdest ideas I get usually turn out to be the funniest, and only a few weird ideas have come to me in the past day and so here it is, chapter five. I have also added a twist to make it a little more interesting.

Vegeta had been basking in glory for the past several weeks since the defeat of Lindsay Lohan. The world rejoiced now that Lindsay was gone and despite having an extreme hangover Vegeta rejoiced as well. The strange turn of Vegeta's life came the night before Vegeta was going to try out for another movie role.

(Phone rings)

Vegeta: (Watching TV) Oh because it's Phil, Phiiiiiiiil, Phil of the Future, never knew in history just where he would- (Picks up phone.)

Vegeta: What do you want?

Voice: Hello Vegeta, I was just calling to see how you were doing, have you checked the back door?

Vegeta: I've destroyed the backdoor because I stubbed my toe on it yesterday, now who is this?

Voice: The end is near Vegeta.

Vegeta: Is this Lindsay Lohan's pimp again? Look buddy, I told you that I don't owe you anything and that I-

Voice: Shut up and listen!

Vegeta: How dare you back talk to me? You are aware that I have caller ID correct?

Voice: Oh crap. (Hangs up.)

Vegeta: Oh great! Now I've missed the first five minutes of my show! But I, the great and powerful Vegeta, always have a backup plan. (Changes channel) Teen Titans! Go!

(The next day, after auditions)

Director: Okay everybody, we have determined that this is most likely to become the weirdest and creepiest movie of the year that we would have to pick the weirdest and creepiest actor that tried out. Vegeta, you've got the part.

Vegeta: I am victorious once again. I also heard that I get to smash things and destroy people in this movie, is that correct?

Director: Yes it is.

Vegeta: It's about time! Am I also a hobo in this movie?

Director: No, well sort of. You are a lazy bum author that is tricked into thinking that he copied another person's story.

Vegeta: Oh I see, this film reminds me greatly of the days before I tried out for DragonBallZ. But who is playing the other person that you speak of?

Director: Oh, well I think that you've acted with him before if I am correct, come on out Piccolo.

Piccolo: No way, Vegeta man, how've you been hangin' since your DBZ days ended brotha?

Vegeta: Good lord my heart just skipped two beats. And I wet myself. You can't possibly expect this stupid Namekian to act! He can't even speak gooderer than me! And he was raised in the ghettos by his bum of a dad Kami!

Piccolo: Papa didn't raise no foo.

Vegeta: I don't care if your father raised poop or not! All's I know for sure is that there is no way in heck I can act alongside a former 50 Cent groupie!

Piccolo: True, true, but 50 took care of me mighty fine.

Director: That's enough you two! I don't care if Vegeta's a racist and Piccolo is a wannabe gangsta, I just want to make this movie a success! And I will rather you two like it or not!

Vegeta: Fine then! Let's get on with it! I am prepared for the challenge!

Piccolo: Dat's what's up for me too homie.

Vegeta: Homie?

Piccolo: Yeah homie, you know? As in homos- I mean friend.

Director: Okay, let's start with the first scene that you two do together, in this scene John Shooter comes to Mort's doorstep claiming that Mort copied the story that John wrote, Action!

Piccolo: Come on and deal with the facts man, you totally ripped of my story. (Hands Vegeta manuscript prop.)

Vegeta: (Destroys manuscript) I shall never touch anything that belongs to the likes of someone as low as you!

Piccolo: You lookin' for a rumble man?

Director: Behave! Both of you! Let's just get going to the part of the film that Mort is telling John about his divorce. Roll Camera!

Piccolo: So I heard that you and the wife called it quits eh man? Well I've been married five times and I don't see why you couldn't make it work my flip dog.

Vegeta: I am not your dog Namek! We can settle this right here and right now if you'd-

Piccolo: (Throws off his hat and coat) Well come on man! You wanna take me diggity dog? Huh, well come on at me!

Director: Vegeta, you have a phone call.

Vegeta: I told that crazy Vegetachik7 that I would call her back later!

Piccolo: You got new babes man?

Vegeta: You got new men filthy Namek?

Piccolo: Noboy disses my bros that way!

Director: Just go and get your call Vegeta!

Vegeta: (Answers phone) Hello?

Voice: Hello Vegeta, I have your wife and son with me, and if you don't want anything to happen to them than you had better get to your home right away.

Vegeta: Why should I care? I'm in the middle of an important battle right now! (Hangs up)

Director: Okay, now that you two have simmered down we'll just move on to the scene where Vegeta finds his pet dog that has been killed by John, Go!

Vegeta: That filthy Namek killed my dog? How dare he? For this he will suffer!

Piccolo: Saiyans don't have dogs man, dogs are for the Namek crowd, word up.

Vegeta: Stop speaking in tongues! If you had a mother I'm sure that she would be ashamed of you right now!

Piccolo: Nobody talks about my mama that way!

Vegeta: Oh yeah? Well your mama's so green that… You were born green too!

Piccolo: Yo, you suck at mama stabs man. Let me show you my full mama joke power!

Yo mama's so dumb that it took her two hours to watch 60 minutes!

Vegeta: I will not let you beat me Namek! I will unleash my full mama joke ability!

Yo mama's so fat that when she went swimming in the ocean all of the whales sang 'We are Family!'

Piccolo: Dang it man, that joke is so old. Almost as old as yo mama.

Vegeta: Grrr…Well yours was too!

Director: STOP IT YOU TWO! Oh, and Vegeta, you have another call.

Vegeta: Fine! I shall defeat you later Piccolo! For I was voted the supreme mama joke champion of Frieza's army!

Piccolo: I was voted the supreme mama joke champion at all 16 high schools I got kicked out of!

Vegeta: Ooooh… Burn man, total burn. (Gets the phone) Who is it now?

Voice: Just come to your house already! I have all of your Sailor Moon DVDs hostage this time!

Vegeta: Nooo! Not my Sailor Moon DVDs! Do you have any idea how long it took me to get those from after I accidentally destroyed the stupid UPS truck?

Voice: I honestly don't care, if you aren't back here in 20 minutes they are doomed! (Hangs up)

Vegeta: In that case, I guess that I'll have to speed this fight up a little.

Piccolo: So, you came back for more Veggie man?

Vegeta: I only have a limited amount of time left before I must return home in order to save my precious Tuxedo Mask and so we'll have to finish this quickly!

Piccolo: Yo, whatever you want man. I'm still gonna win either way.

Vegeta: We will see!

Director: Hello! We have a movie to film here!

Vegeta: It can wait!

Piccolo: Totally, lay off your Ferris wheel sista cause we ain't goin' nowhere without the cheese grater!

Vegeta and Director: What?

Piccolo: It means lets' get this battle on man!

Vegeta: Oh right, well yo mama's so green and her teeth are so white that she looks like summer grass with a white line spray-painted though it like when my pansy neighbor tried to build a pool halfway on my yard!

Piccolo: Dude, you really bad at this.

Vegeta: Just give me your best shot Pickle man! Just one more round and we'll see who's the best!

Piccolo: One more round huh? You one dead cat Vegeta. Yo mama's so ugly that when she looked out her window she was arrested for indecent exposure.

Director: Come on Vegeta, you may be the super chugger, but you can't beat anybody at yo mama jokes.

Vegeta: I have been….defeated?…..By…..Piccolo? I can't feel my toes, is it cold in here? Why is it so cold?

Director: Okay, since Vegeta still has about 10 minutes before he has to leave to save his true love, I propose that we finish filming the last scene of the movie where Mort kills his ex-wife and her boyfriend, doesn't that sound like fun Vegeta?

Vegeta: Wh-What? I can't hear anything…Piccolo….Namek….Beat me……..

Piccolo: Dude, bro, it was just a yo mama contest, no big deal man.

Director: Vegeta? Didn't you hear me? You get to kill things! You like killing things right? Weaklings, pansies, fools, mortals, are any of these words ringing a bell?

Vegeta: It wasn't fair! I challenge you to a rematch you filthy Namek!

Piccolo: Dude, how could I have cheated on yo mama jokes?

Vegeta: I will defeat you!

Director: Vegeta! The scene!

Vegeta: (Destroys actors with big bang attack) There you go! End of movie! Rematch now!

Piccolo: Vegeta, dude you've got three mins till that lamo fancies yo SM DVDs.

Vegeta: You're right! But when I return the rematch shall commence!

Director: My movie….My movie! (Sobs)

Vegeta: (Flies off to save his love) I'm coming Sailor Moon! I will save you!

Will Vegeta be able to save his DVDs in time? And exactly who is Vegeta's mysterious pursuer? Oh yeah, and what movie will Vegeta ruin next time? Find out in chapter six!

Note: I am not a racist, Piccolo is one of my favorite DBZ characters but I desperately wanted to get Vegeta defeated in a yo mama joke contest, and I also wanted to make fun of wannabe gangstas.


	6. Chapter 6

Roles Vegeta Shouldn't Play

Chapter Six: Vegeta as a game show contestant

When we last left Vegeta he was rushing towards his home in order to stop an unknown force from destroying his Sailor Moon DVDs, (I haven't updated in a long time, sorry!)

Vegeta: Oh no! Please be al right Minako! Just a little further-

Piccolo: Yo! Homie, I'm comin' too.

Vegeta: Get away Namek! I am the only one in the universe that will be able to defeat this weakling that wishes to hurt my beloved!

Piccolo: Ya know that you could just order more DVDs offa da intanat.

Vegeta: Yes I know that but that darn Amazon takes so long to send it in the mail! It took me five months to get a copy of Paris Hilton's new CD!

Piccolo: …

Vegeta: Here we are, but you stay out Namek! I don't want to have to Febreeze the whole house again like I had to when you came to my birthday party last year! And then all of you pushed me off of that board and I almost died!

Piccolo: But you invited me. And it was a pool party Vegeta, it ain't our fault ya can't swim.

Vegeta: The woman made me.

(They enter the house)

Voice on intercom: Hello Vegeta, please have a seat.

(Two chairs zoom out of the floor and snatch unto Vegeta and Piccolo)

Vegeta: You think that you can hold me with this? This is nothing! (Tries to break straps around his arms.) Dang it! I think that I'm still partially wasted by that chugging contest I had a while back!

Piccolo: S' al right dog. I knows some nice dudes dat can hook ya up.

Voice: Enough! If you want to save your DVDs Vegeta, then you will have to answer 7 questions correctly. But if you get one wrong… Then you will lose all that is important to you!

Vegeta: Fine. It will be simple considering the fact that I am the greatest genius in the universe.

Piccolo and Voice: chuckle

Voice: Okay, let's begin. The first category is the Dragonball Z television show.

Piccolo: Piece ada cake mon.

Voice: What was the name of the beans that were used to restore the strength of the Z fighters?

Vegeta: It was the sushi beans.

Piccolo: No it wasn't man! It was like…senzu or sumthin!

Voice: …Correct. What was the name of the scientist that created the androids?

Vegeta: Pick me! It was Betsy! It was Betsy!

Piccolo: What are y' smokin' veggie man? It was like… Zero or sumthin.

Vegeta: Wrong Namek. It was obviously Betsy. Everybody knows that.

Piccolo: Didn't it start with a J? Or a G? And it rhymed with hero?

Vegeta: See! I'm right! Betsy rhymes with hero!

Piccolo: kay… Well I'm just gonna guess gero.

Voice: Correct. And now for the final question in the DragonballZ show category… Who was the creator of DBZ?

Vegeta: I don't know but his first name sounded like a girl name. Like Akora or Akara or something like that.

Piccolo: Yuh, and his last name sounded like a brand of hair gel….

(An hour later…)

Voice:… Did I mention that there are lifelines on this show? There is one that you can call a fellow Z fighter and ask them if they know the answer.

Piccolo: Let's call Gohan. The kids a wuss, but he's a genius wuss.

Vegeta: But not as genius as I am.

(Telephone rings)

Goku: Hi? Is some one calling? Is it someone for me? Do you have food? I-

Vegeta: Shut up Kakkarot! Is your weakling son home?

Goku: Hi Vegeta! I haven't heard from you in so long! Do you want to know what I did today?

Piccolo: No thanks Goku, we really need to talk to Gohan.

Goku: Oh, he's at his ballet lesson right now. But do you want to talk to me? Chichi brought me to the park today! And I got to play on the see saw! And then this nice man gave me some candy, and then-

Vegeta: Can we call someone less idiotic?

Voice: Nope. One call. You have one minute to get the answer starting… NOW.

Piccolo: Goku! Shut up and tell us who created the Dragonball Z series!

Goku: Hmmm… I think that it was pie.

Vegeta: That doesn't make sense Kakkarot! Don't you read manga or something? Tell us who's name is on the cover of your manga?

Goku: Okay! Uhhh… Amelia Torenson.

Piccolo: What? That doesn't sound very Japanese.

Goku: But I'm pretty sure that it was pie, just say pie!

Vegeta: We only have fifteen seconds left! I'm so sorry I failed you Rei!

Gohan: Dad? I thought that mom said you weren't allowed to answer the phone.

Piccolo: GOHAN! Who invented the DragonballZ series!

Gohan: Akira Toriyama. Duh, even an idiot would know that.

(Phone clicks off)

Vegeta: The answer is pie!

Piccolo: Vegeta! You idiot!

Voice: That is…CORRECT. Only a true DBZ fan would know that pie was the real creator of DBZ, but Akira stole the idea to make money.

Piccolo: What the f-

Voice: Okay, the new category is questions on Vegeta, hopefully Vegeta will do well on this one. The first question is what was the name of the evil alien that forced Vegeta to work for him.

Vegeta: The scum-chewing, bowel-twirling, butt monkey.

Piccolo: Are you serious? Wasn't his name Freeza?

Vegeta: Really? I always knew him by that name. But then again, he did spend all of his time trying to turn me gay. Giving me kitting-kits for my birthday, hiring Michael Jackson to supervise my slumber parties….

Voice: Uh… Piccolo is correct. What is the name of Vegeta's wife?

Piccolo: Well Vegeta? What is your wife's name?

Vegeta: … I don't know, why would you ask me such a difficult question?

Piccolo: What? Well it begins with a B! I at least know that much!

Vegeta: Oh! It's Ben! I think it's Ben!

Voice: Oh dear lord… Is that your final answer?

Vegeta: Y-

Piccolo: NO! NO! We need another lifeline please!

Voice: Okay, I could get rid of two of the wrong answers. And two of the wrong answers are Ben and Tien.

Piccolo: Okay, that leaves Bulma and… Betsy. Do either of these names ring a bell to you Vegeta?

Vegeta: This is so difficult! But I remember that it was an ugly name, so it must have been Bulma.

Voice: (Sighs) Correct. And now for the final question in the Vegeta category… Who is the meanest, most ignorant, and most short-tempered character?

Piccolo: Vegeta!

Vegeta: What? I am not ignorant! And I am not short in any way! 0.0

Piccolo: Uh… I still think that its Vegeta.

Vegeta: You are such a racist!

Piccolo: Fine, to prove that I'm right I would like to use the last lifeline.

Voice: Okay, let's see who our audience thinks it is. And here are the results.

25 Betsy

0.99 Pie

100 Vegeta

115 Piccolo

Piccolo: Those stats don't even make sense!

Vegeta: Hah. I told you that it was Chichi!

Voice: Correct!

Piccolo: But Chichi wasn't even an option!

Voice: Quit being so nit-picky. And now for the final question of the entire thing! Which of these is more important to you Vegeta? The one that you choose will get to live, but the other will be destroyed! Is it YOUR FAMILY or YOUR SAILOR MOON DVDs.

Vegeta: Gosh… My brain hurts. I'm not sure which one to choose!

Piccolo: Well… You do love your wife and son don't you? You probably love them more than Tuxedo Mask.

Vegeta: Well… Tuxedo is quite the handsome guy… But so is the woman. And that kid will be the survival of the saiyans… And I have been meaning to teach him the beauty of the violin… I guess that I'll have to wait for another five months until I get more Sailor Moon DVDs.

Voice: Are you serious?

Vegeta: I suppose so. Just don't kill the DVDs in front of me, I don't think that I can stand the pain of my decision!

Voice: THAT IS THE WRONG ANSWER!

Vegeta: How can it be wrong if I get to choose which one?

Voice: Let's face it Vegeta, you're an idiot. You may even be able to compete with Goku for the main idiot on DBZ.

Vegeta: sniffle that is not true!

Piccolo: So waddaya gonna do about it?

Vegeta: Piccolo, did you ever realize that you cannot keep your gangsta accent for more than a few lines?

Piccolo: …Nope. I didn't notice a thang.

Voice: Now you will both e destroyed… by me!

(Steps out from behind a curtain… and the voice is….)

Vegeta and Piccolo: LANCE BASS?

Piccolo: We waited almost two chapters for this?

Vegeta: Oh my God! He's gay! Stay away from me you sack of gay germs!

Lance: Yes it was me, all me. I just wanted you to love me Vegeta. I've always been a DBZ fan, and I've always been attracted to you since the show debuted all those years ago. I thought that if I could destroy your family, then you and I could be together.

Vegeta: I'm not gay you freak! I don't even act gay!

Piccolo: Uhh… Once again, I ask how are you going to destroy us?

Lance: That all depends, will you love me Vegeta?

(Touches Vegeta's arm, Vegeta screams)

Vegeta: Get away from me! Gay germs! (Vegeta breaks straps holding him down)

Piccolo: Vegeta! You did it! Now get rid of him!

Lance: SOB I don't think so! (Presses a button on his remote and music starts playing.)

Peanut Butter Jelly Time!

Piccolo: AAAHHH! It's K-Fed! And the worst song known to man-kind! What should we do?

Vegeta: (Falls on ground) Music- so- awful- can't- see- straight-

(Vegeta sees the radio plug-in)

Vegeta: Must- unplug- radio- ( Lance walks towards him) AAAH!

(Vegeta runs and unplugs radio, he then turns and punches Lance out.)

Lance: Your hand is so hot… (Goes unconscious)

Vegeta: Phew. (Looks at hand) AAAHHH! (Pulls out his bottle of hand-sanitizer)

Piccolo: Wow, that was close man, what are you going to do now?

Vegeta: I have the strangest urge to eat peanut butter and jelly… Do you want to stay for a while. I still feel a terrifying gay presence in the room.

Piccolo: (Throws Lance out window) Sure.

(Later, in Vegeta's rose bushes)

Lance: You haven't seen the last of me, my love! Not by a long shot!

What will happen next on Roles Vegeta Shouldn't Play? Find out in chapter seven! And which movie will Vegeta ruin next?


	7. Chapter 7

Roles Vegeta Shouldn't Play

Chapter Seven: Vegeta as his worst nightmare

When we last left off Vegeta and Piccolo had finally defeated the evil Lance Bass, Vegeta is reunited with his family only to make a shocking discovery.

Bulma: Vegeta! Why are you back from the movie set so soon?

Vegeta: You have no idea how much I've missed you Ben.

Bulma: What?

Piccolo: So Bulma, where were you and Trunks today?

Bulma: We were at Trunks' soccer game; I brought you guys some dinner too.

Vegeta: I don't think that you should eat any, Ben. You look really fat.

Bulma: I'm eight months pregnant Vegeta.

Vegeta: WHEN DID THAT HAPPEN?

Bulma: Don't you remember Vegeta!? I told you six months ago when you were taping High School Musical.

Vegeta: But that was during the part that they were singing my favorite song! You should have known better than to tell me during my favorite song!

Bulma: Sometimes I wonder why I even let you live here and bare your children. Then I remember that it's because you're the hottest DBZ actor. Or should I say WAS the hottest until you got fired.

Piccolo: Kay. I'll just be out now homies. (Runs away)

Vegeta: (Starts to cry) I told you that I'm still sensitive about that!

Bulma: If you miss it so much than why don't you be a man and go demand your job back Vegeta?

Vegeta: Fine! I will get my job back, and when I do you will agree to perform the duet from The Cheetah Girls with me! But I will get to be Aqua!

Bulma: What are you-

Vegeta: (Flies to studio)

Director: Oh crap.

Vegeta: I demand my job back! My life honestly has no meaning without DBZ! I'm a nothing without it!

Director: Well, I suppose that we could get you a role Vegeta, but you wouldn't be able to play Vegeta anymore I'm afraid.

Vegeta: What are you saying? Did someone take my role while I was away?

Director: Yes. I'm afraid that it was… Adam Sandler.

Vegeta: …. Seriously?

Director: I'm afraid so, you see Vegeta, Adam Sandler is short, stupid, violent, and gets wasted regularly just like you do. And so it was unanimous, everyone wanted Adam to be the new Vegeta.

Vegeta: So what role do I get that is superior to the Vegeta role?

Director: Sigh, okay, the only role that's left is Chichi, because David Spade said that he felt that having the role of Chichi was ruining his chance for future acting opportunities.

Vegeta: What will I do in the role?

Director: Oh, you know. The usual, yell at Gohan, go shopping, give Goku his ADD medicine, yell at Krillin, Roshi, Yamcha, Goten, and get stressed out as your menopause sets in and your face gets wrinkly.

Vegeta: I suppose that it's my only hope. Either that or Bulma makes me sleep on the couch the rest of the week.

(And so, Vegeta reunites with his old actor pals from DBZ)

Krillin: (Sees Vegeta coming) Oh God! (Tosses his Vegeta dartboard and his I hate Vegeta T-shirts) Well Hi Vegeta! How's it goin'?

Vegeta: (In Chichi dress) Be silent worthless imp.

Goku: Vegeta! Do you have any food?

Vegeta: Here Kakkarot. (Throws a dog biscuit)

Goku: YAY! (Chases biscuit)

Yamcha: Wow, you know things have been really great since Vegeta left!

Tien: Yeah, I know what you mean, sure the show's ratings and mortality rate have gone down, but that's show business right?

Yamcha: But I noticed that I've been getting more popular. When I went to the store the other day, the angry mob that attacked me was only half the size of the angry mob that attacked me before Vegeta left!

(Vegeta blasts them)

Roshi: Oh crap, get the Dragon Balls.

Director: Okay everybody, as you can all see we have an old member returning to the DBZ cast today can everyone say hello to Vegeta?

Cast: (Grudgedly) Hello Vegeta.

Vegeta: Glad to be back fools.

Director: Okay, today we're going to start by filming the scene where Chichi yells at Gohan to continue studying, action!

Vegeta: Gohan! Stop studying like a little wussy this instant and go out and learn some skills from the masterful Vegeta!

Gohan: Uh…

Vegeta: (Smacks Gohan out window)

Gohan: WAAAAAAAHHHH!!! I want my real mommy back!

Director: Vegeta, I wouldn't hit Gohan if I were you.

Vegeta: Why not? What's the little weakling going to- (Gohan smashes Vegeta through set)

Vegeta: (Cries) My son could beat your son Kakkarot!

Goku: Do you have another biscuit?

Director: Okay everybody I'm going to move on to the next scene now, Adam! Are you in costume?

(Adam Sandler walks on set in Vegeta's saiyan armor)

Adam: Okay, I shall defeat you Kakkarot! You will regret the day that you challenged I, Vegeta, Prince of the Saiyan race!

Vegeta: I wouldn't say that! I would call Kakkarot a nasty name and then I would comment on how I'm going to defeat him! You don't understand me at all!

Director: Vegeta, Let Adam do his job please.

Vegeta: No! I shall not allow this! Prepare for I, Chichi, queen of the biatches, shall send you to oblivion Adam Sandler!

Adam: ….If you want the job that badly I'll just quit. I don't get paid enough and this spandex suit always runs up my crack.

Vegeta: …Okay.

Director: Okay then, I guess that we welcome you back Vegeta.

Yamcha, Tien, Krillin: (Start Crying)

Vegeta: Yes, because I, Vegeta the all powerful and great shall-

Gohan: Vegeta! Bulma just called, she's having the baby!

Vegeta: Who cares? Let me finish my victory speech.

Gohan: She says that she's not going to feed you anymore and that you'll have to sleep on the couch if you don't get there in time.

Goku: NOOOOO!

Gohan: Dad, this has nothing to do with you.

Goku: Oh, Gohan when you're done can we go to the pet store and look at the kitties?

Gohan: (Sighs) Sure thing dad.

Goku: YEY!

Vegeta: Okay, I'll go.

(At the hospital, Vegeta sits in waiting room with Trunks)

Vegeta:……….

Trunks:…………

Vegeta:…………

Trunks:………………

Vegeta:…………………….

Trunks: Dad, where do babies come from?

Vegeta: How should I know, your mother never told me, I think that when you share a sandwich with someone then your germs travel to their esophogaus and they get really fat and then a baby comes out.

Trunks:…….I'm never sharing food with Goten again.

Doctor: Okay you two, it's a girl!

Vegeta and Trunks: Oh Crap!

(MEANWHILE)

Lance Bass: The day is drawing nearer Vegeta, soon you will face the wrath of my bye bye bye attack!

Will Vegeta learn to accept the newest addition to his family? Will the cast of DBZ learn to accept Vegeta? Will Lance Bass get his revenge? Will Goten get pregnant from sharing a sandwich with Trunks? Find out in Chapter 8 of Roles Vegeta shouldn't play!


	8. Chapter 8

Roles Vegeta Shouldn't Play: Chapter Eight

Vegeta as A Celebrity Father 

(Sorry it took me so long to add another chapter, it's been a busy year.)

Vegeta: I can't believe that we had a boy, Ben!

Bulma: Vegeta you do realize that we had a girl right?

Vegeta: I refuse to believe that my seed could produce anything that does not possess a Y chromosome!

Trunks: You've got me dad!

Vegeta: Shut up. You cannot even beat that pansy Gohan so therefore I recognize you as the family cat. Now silence Mr. Fluffy Whiskerkins!!!

Bulma: So you got your job back?

Vegeta: Yes but unfortunately they cast that retarded Carlos Mencia as Chichi. Oh won't she be pissed. (Imagines Chichi beating Goku in anger.)

Tee hee…

Bulma: So anyway, what should we name her?

Vegeta: You mean HE don't you?

Bulma: No, how about we name her Jordan?

Vegeta: That's a boy's name Ben.

Bulma: NO it's not it can be for either gender!

Vegeta: No. I like it, It's a manly name.

Bulma: Alright Taylor then.

Vegeta: A name that is sure to put hair on his chest.

Bulma:…….. Why don't you come up with a name then Vegeta?

Vegeta: Well, my mother's name was Carrot. I had a cousin named Celery, or there was my uncle Potatoe.

Bulma: A potato is a fruit Vegeta.

Vegeta: My uncle was not gay!

Bulma: I don't think that's a good name for our little girl.

Vegeta: Boy.

Trunks: I'm here dad!

Vegeta: SILENCE MR. FLUFFY WHISKERKINS!!!

Trunks: Okay I'll just go become an emo.

Vegeta: Remember son, cut along the tracks not across.

Bulma: Jamie?

Vegeta: Boy's name.

Bulma: NO IT ISN'T!

Vegeta: You should talk, your name is the most manly of all.

Bulma: I'm named after underwear.

Vegeta: Aren't you the one named after boxers?

Bulma: I don't know is that me? I thought I was named after briefs.

Vegeta: No that's your mother… I mean father.

Bulma: …………….This sucks.

Vegeta: Let's name him Tuxedo Mask.

Bulma: No.

Vegeta: How about that sexy…. I mean very strong name Iruka?

Bulma: I'm burning your anime collection.

Vegeta: You wouldn't dare touch my Jubei Chan season one Collector's edition!

(Knock on hospital door)

Bulma: Vegeta shut up we have visitors!

Vegeta: I SHALL BECOME HOKAGE!!!

Piccolo: Wassup wangstaz?

Vegeta: Whiskerkins do you still have that switchblade with you?

Piccolo: The gangz all here and we come barin' gifts for the pouch ya'll.

Vegeta: Stay away from my pouch!

Piccolo: No no you silly tyrant the correct translation would be that because of the extra l in 'ya'll'

Vegeta: That's it we are leaving now Ben, all of these convenient plot points are upsetting me! And get your accent right you lizard are you a 25 cents wannabe or aren't you? (Grabs Bulma's arm and the baby and flies away.)

Piccolo: Don't you diss 50 you **beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep bleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppp **foo!

Trunks: Piccolo, will you be my dad. If I was a gansta then I wouldn't have to hate my life anymore, being a drug-runner in the streets is much safer.

Piccolo: You want to be my son even though I mysteriously spent one year alone in the woods with a 4-year-old boy witch means that I am obviously not a pedophile?

Trunks:… Will you at least drive me to Hot Topic?

Piccolo: You are such a mofo.

(Meanwhile 5 miles away in a lovely vacation home complete with new wallpaper that was purchased for half price at JC Penny's (Which is an amazing deal considering they are all run by government agents who are using your tax dollars right now to erase the memories of people who have spotted alien spacecrafts.)

Lance Bass: Hello everyone and welcome to the first annual

People

Everywhere

Never

Issue

Stamps Meeting!

Crowd:….. What does that have to do with the fact that we hate Vegeta?

Lance Bass: I wanted our name to be inconspicuous, I have no idea why all of you are mad about our new name. I think that people should really pay more respect to stamps considering they are kind enough to get our letters where they need to go.

Lindsay Lohan: You really don't see the problem with the name?

Lance: What's wrong with it?

Daniel Radcliffe: The problem is that I don't think that People EVERYWHERE in the world never issue stamps, therefore you would be steryotyping anyone who mails letters! And for that I shall defeat you Death Eater! Crucio!

Katie Holmes: You realize that you're not really Harry Potter don't you Daniel?

Daniel Radcliffe: You do realize that you don't have a career anymore don't you Katie?

Paris Hilton: OMG I like totally think wizards are hot now.

Daniel Radcliffe: Shut up you mangy wigget!

Paris Hilton: Like totally what?

Daniel Radcliffe: I wouldn't snog you for all the dainties in London!

Yugi: Do you guys wanna trade cards?

Lance: Okay, now that we have all gathered here today to plot our revenge against Vegeta I suggest that we all tell our names and how Vegeta destroyed our lives.

Katie: I'm Katie Holmes you may know me from the show Dawson's Creek.

Yugi: Who? Don't you mean that you're Tom Cruise's wife?

Katie: **Sigh **Yes I am Tom Cruise's wife and I live in a dungeon in our basement while Tom goes out into the world to marry every actress and force them to abandon their careers so that when he gets his sex change operation he will have no competition.

I hate Vegeta Because he said I looked fat when I was pregnant at an awards show. And then he held my designer hostage and forced them to let him have my new dress that I was going to wear to the Grammys.

Everyone Else: ………

Daniel Radcliffe: I'm Harry James Potter. Over ¾ of the world has wasted their lives reading about me when at the end of the series I just get married to that annoying bitch Ginny anyways. Even though I am now 46 years old I played Harry Potter in the first five movies… Until I had a mid-life crisis and they rehired Vegeta to play my life for the last two movies… DON'T BE FOOLED LOVING FANS! IT IS NOT I APPEARING IN THE NEXT TWO FILMS DON'T LET HIM RUIN MY LIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!!.

Lindsay Lohan: I'm sure you all know me from the many popular films I starred in-

Lance Bass: Or by all of the popular DUIs she has received.

Lindsay Lohan: Shut up before my father accidentally hits you with his truck conveniently at night while he is high as a kite on booze. Anyways, until a short while ago I held the legendary title of the Super Chugger, I thought no one could ever get as drunk as I could without dying… But I guess I was wrong. For then Vegeta defeated me, and now that he holds my title he is allowed into more clubs than me allowing him to strip for people that I have not yet stripped for, and it angers me!

Yugi: ….Firecrotch……

Lindsay Lohan: What did you say!?

Yugi: I said Firecrotch, (Holds up card) It has a defense level of over 500!

Yugi: I'm Yugi, I play card games all the time you may know me as the star of the You-Gay-Ho card series, I have more You-Gay-Ho cards then anyone in the world and whenever I card battle I cheat by becoming possessed by an ancient old man who strangely looks like a version of me if I was older and hotter, I hate Vegeta because DragonBallZ got far better ratings then my anime!

Paris Hilton: I like totally love money…..And towels… And parakeets are like………hot and stuff.

Everyone Else:………………………………………………..

Lance Bass: And I'm sure you all know me from the Backstreet Boys.

Katie Holmes: I thought you were from N-Sync?

Lance Bass: …No I'm a Backstreet Boy. Anyway I hid the fact that I was gay until several months ago.

Daniel Radcliffe: Well it was pretty obvious that you were gay from the first time the Backstreet Boys were seen in public.

Lance Bass: (Tells story of why he hates Vegeta from the previous chapter. Which the author doesn't want to retype all over again because she has to go stop her cat from taking a dump under her brother's bed again.)

Lance Bass: And so now we will devise our plan of evil to show everyone that nobody messes with the P-E-N-I-S organization!

Yugi: You still think that doesn't sound wrong?

(Meanwhile at Goten's House)

Trunks: Goten….I think I'm pregnant…. And I think you're the father….

Will Vegeta ever name his new child? Will Piccolo ever get respect in da hood? What evil plans is the

People

Everywhere

Never

Issue

Stamps Organization planning?!

Is Trunks a pregnant Emo? Find out in chapter Nine of Roles Vegeta Shouldn't Play!

(Note: I am not a Daniel Radcliffe hater and I love the Harry Potter series so please don't think that I was trying to offend Harry Potter fans, I only meant to offend Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan fans. Thank you for keeping the peace.)


	9. Chapter 9

Roles Vegeta Shouldn't Play

Roles Vegeta Shouldn't Play

Chapter Nine: Vegeta the celebrity parent and grandparent

_When we last left off Trunks and Goten made a shocking discovery on the process of human procreation while Vegeta discovered that his fat wife Ben was not actually fat, but pregnant! In the meantime the evil Lance Bass has united some of the most powerful forces of evil in the universe to gain his revenge._

(Trunks is sitting in the bathroom at his home with a pregnancy test)

Trunks: I don't get how you're supposed to work this thing; does blue mean that you are or aren't pregnant?

Vegeta: WHISKERKINS! Get out of the bathroom right now, Ben wants you to see our first born child and I have to get my daily hour of masturbation in before I go to the gym!

Trunks: I hate you.

Vegeta: (Blasts through door with a waterbottle in hand and starts spraying Trunks) Bad cat! Very bad cat! Get out of the master's bathroom right now!

Trunks: Dad, I'm PREGNANT!

Vegeta: YOU DIRTY WHORE!

Bulma: What's going on you two, Trunks you need to come out here and see your new sister.

Vegeta: I told you we should have had him neutered Ben.

Bulma: What are you trying to tell me Vegeta?

Vegeta: Slutty McSluttypants went and got himself pregnant.

Bulma: Oh God, I told him not to share that sandwich with Goten!

Trunks: I don't know what to do! Goten is such a dumbass like his father, how will he help me support our child!?

Bulma: Well I don't really know much about this whole thing.

Trunks: What do you mean, you had me and my sister didn't you mom?

Bulma: Well… I had your sister.

Vegeta: This is the worst plot twist since that time I played Charity on Passions and I had to leave that hot pocket Miguel.

Bulma:…. It's very complicated Trunks. But at least Vegeta is your real father!

Trunks: oh God

Vegeta: What's wrong with me being your biological father!?

Trunks: That's like asking why someone would hate having a bipolar, transsexual, homophobic, racist, father who has admitted that he once slept with a man.

Vegeta: I ALREADY TOLD YOU THAT WHAT FREEZA AND I HAD TOGETHER WAS NOT A ROMANCE IT WAS DOMESTIC VIOLENCE WITH JUST A DASH OF BISEXUAL CURIOSITY MIXED IN!

Bulma and Trunks:…..

Trunks: Then who is my real mother?

Vegeta: I honestly can't remember, I've tapped a lot of people in my day.

Trunks: I want a genetic test to tell me who it is!

Vegeta: One step at a time, first we need to get rid of that bun in your oven. (Vegeta puts on a rubber glove and reaches towards Trunks) This may hurt a bit.

Trunks:Stop! Isn't there some other way to handle this? I mean, I've always kind of wanted to be a mother…

Bulma: This fanfiction is so F disturbing.

Vegeta: But the publicity is going to be terrible if the press finds out that my son is having a child at such a young age!

Bulma: But what about your friend Piccolo, those Namekians in the hood or whatever they call it are always getting into situations like this. Why don't you ask for his help.

Vegeta: I have to go associate with those GREEN PEOPLE!? Not to mention the fact that it's filthy in the ghetto or whatever they call it.

(LATER IN THE NAMEKIAN GHETTO)

Vegeta: (Sees a Namekian child smoking a pipe on a street corner) Dear God, how will I ever survive in this disgusting place?

Piccolo: Yo homie how it be hanging wit ya'll?

Vegeta: No I am not a homosexual you sun screen challenged…ho or whatever you are.

Piccolo: da p man ain't got no hoes my saiyan swinga.

Vegeta: We are not talking about swing sets here; I'm here to ask about some help with the family cat who managed to get himself pregnant.

Piccolo: yo be talking bout' the T man?

Vegeta: I really don't know if he's been drinking Tea recently.

Piccolo:… Whateva, so what could I do bout this yo.

Vegeta: Could you speak the King Vegeta's English please?

Piccolo: They only be one king in this ghetto and that be my old man Kamiiiiii saaaaaaaan! HOLLA!

Vegeta: It's not even Kwanza yet so just shut up and help my cat!

Piccolo: (Clears throat) OK, but I'll need to spend one year with Trunks out in the woods all by ourselves before I can…. Help him.

Vegeta: Well now we know why Gohan is so gay.

Piccolo: Gohan was tough to break.

Vegeta: I could be tough with you too. (BOW CHICKA BOW BOW)

Piccolo: I ain't inta guys ur age veggie man.

Piccolo: well round head da namek guys be getting' knocked up left n' right so we think dat it be good when a boy get a lotta pups in the litter, ya know what I be sayin'?

Vegeta: Something about hitting puppies with baseball bats?

Piccolo: No, but that is considered a very treasured pastime here in the ghetto.

Vegeta: YOU ARE NO HELP! What is it with you green people and your demented ways!?

Piccolo: But seriously, think about sending Trunks to the woods with me…It may not even take an entire year, I'll even bring prot-

(Vegeta storms out and slams door)

Piccolo: Those saiyans, always gotta find a way to keep the green man down.

Vegeta: (Out on the street) Well that was no help. But at least now I know why Piccolo is required by law to introduce himself to his neighbors.

Lance Bass: At last, we meet again my love.

Vegeta: WTF? OMG! Its dat homo HDHORNFDFN!!

Lance Bass: You denied me Vegeta, but now you shall see just how badly you have scorned my soul.

Vegeta: You made me talk in IM speak, prepare to die!

Lindsay Lohan: NOT SO FAST!

Vegeta: Ugh, it's that strange leprechaun that I defeated in becoming the Super Chugger, what does she want now?

Lindsay Lohan: You may have defeated me last time Vegeta, but in the past few months I have been training and I have now achieved the level of…

(The ground starts shaking as all of the bars and alcohol selling places gather around LL, LB, and Vegeta)

Vegeta: NO IT CAN'T BE--

Lindsay Lohan: That's right, I have finally reached the level of….

SUPER CHUGGER LEVEL 2!

Britney Spears: And I have managed to-

(Vegeta blows her up)

Vegeta: WE ARE NOT LETTING THAT FAT HARLOT INTO THIS FANFIC! Besides, she took away all of the famous magazine covers that used to be reserved for my beautiful face.

Lance Bass:…

Vegeta: Oh… Right, and I must defeat you as well Lindsay Lohan! No one shall ever defeat me at anything! I was even forced to kill that 75 year old man at the park when he defeated me at chess.

Lindsay Lohan: But I have other tricks up my sleeve Vegeta… (Lindsay Lohan starts grunting and groaning as Vegeta stares on in disbelief.)

Vegeta: Her-Her alcohol level- IT'S OVER 9,000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000,0000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000!!

Lindsay Lohan: This is the end VEGETA! (We hear a very nasty sound coming up Lindsay's throat) SUPREME HANGOVER ACID PUKE ATTACK!

(Spews acid barf on our hero…villain….well, whatever the hell Vegeta is….)

(Meanwhile several blocks away, Gohan was taking Goku out for his daily leash walk when they spotted Vegeta in need….)

(Also meanwhile, Our estranged mother Trunks stands at the doorstep of Goten's home, unaware of how to tell his Sandwich sharing partner of what has happened.)

(Door Opens)

Goten: Hi Trunks, what's wrong?

Trunks: Goten, I wasn't kidding when I told you that I was pregnant…

Goten: But-Trunks, the point is that I can't be the baby daddy, I ain't shared no food wit you for over 6 months!

Trunks: Stop talking like those people on NTV (Namekian Television) and listen to me! I would never share food with anyone else Goten! You have to believe me!

Goten: I can't listen to this, I can't be with no ho! (Slams door)

Trunks: But…Then who is the father of my child!? And who is my real mother?!

Questions that will hopefully be answered in the next chapter:

Will Vegeta survive his latest fight to the death?

Will Trunks discover who the father of his child is?

Will Trunks discover who his real mother is?

Will Vegeta ever be able to understand what Piccolo is saying?

Will the author ever getting around to writing chapter 10!?

Will these questions never stop!?

Will Vegeta and Ben finally pick out a name for their new child?

Will the rest of the P.E.N.I.S. Organization ever show their true powers?

Find out in CHAPTER TEN


End file.
